To be or not to be.....

Excesses; expectations; complications; jealousy; possessiveness; arrogance; angst; vulnerability; inadequacy; guilt; indulgences; disguise; intelligence; depression; sorrow; maniac; insensitive; choosy; calm; mature; needy; reactive; unfaithful; faithful; noisy; overwhelming; pretentious; genuine; true; fake;  inferior; superior; callous; careful; carelessness; opportunistic; confident; self-pity; calculative; immature; suspicious; cool; uncool; suave; nagging; twisty; selfish; selfless; racist; fanatic; religious; linguistic; naive; idiot; stupid; senseless; aloof; ignorant; innocence; gullible; conservative; liberal; leftist; neutral; rightist; eccentric; DMK; AIADMK; BJP; Congress; paranoia; weird, apprehensive, white- lies, fake, etc. etc.

Much has happened since last touched this sheet. Modiji and me-ji have accrued more flying miles; we been to London, Warwick,Birmingham, Grimsby, and alas our 2^nd home town Manchester in England, whilst him trying few more countries hugging them all. Kids were nostalgic as usual during the trip and am glad had done it for the sake of them. Meanwhile Visited Auckland and Rotorua down under for a conference; wonderful it was and then back to Bangkok, this time with in-laws; whilst more and more more people have been lynched /killed/mimed in the name of religion; region; cows; saffron; fanaticism; naivety; beef; stupidity; Arundati Roy has come out with a new novel after 20 years; trumping and being a trumpet is still favoured considerably across the lunatic, fanatical web of modernity.

Manchester was attacked by ISIS few weeks prior to our arrival and followed by London; disgusting it was. These cities are so multiracial, multicultural, multitalented and extremely tolerant than any other cities on earth; budding teenagers and hapless tourists and visitors were targeted and it was apparently waiting to happen. I was living not that far from Manchester, when it was bombed by IRA in late 90’s. And I had lived in Manchester for around 11 years and still own a property there with a deep bond to this lovely city and my kids still would love to go back to pursue their education and possibly even settle back there.

On the better note also visited Boracay which is a small island possibly the size of Singapore city centre in South east Philippines, and around 350 km away from of Manila and its infamous President Duterte. The flight was three and half good hours from Singa to Kalibo; followed by a two hours scenic coach trip to katilan ferry terminal, from where a 10 minute boat trip landed us in Boracay station 1. It was fairly late in the night, by the time we arrived at our hotel; however we were not prepared for the site and the scenes that trailed us over the next few days. I had seen lots of humility amongst the Pilipino people, friendlier than anyone else in the world so far; the food, scenery, white sand beaches, the adventures in the south pacific, snorkeling and island hopping, the evening sun set hues and colours vividly laid across the grandeur of a sky in Boracay; not to forget the various multitudes of cocktails competing in colour and vibrancy with tourists from every corner of the world! It was unbelievable and scintillating!

It was nice to see and visit our closest amongst the friends after a long gap in UK; wonderful it was; life and lives have moved on; relationships have metamorphosed beautifully so to say from a cocoon stage to a lovely butterfly; coke & whiskey has transitioned to ice on the rocks; old engine of friendships were once overhauled and oiled; met most of them and had to skip very few of them; with old scars now  have almost gone to the bottom of oasis and with new unexpected wounds still gaping and freshly oozing!

Establishing a well meant relationship and sustaining it over years is albeit much simpler; and it is easier said than done, as I find myself increasingly immature of late (only in relationships) and in the process learning a new order every day and also with dawn of realisation that, I am increasingly surrounded by human beings far less immature than me and possibly refusing to evolve too. (I don’t necessarily mean people younger than me).

I have been in a soup with many of the Whats app groups and possibly most of you too by this time on planet! I have had bitter and bitterest experiences before; list obviously includes friends and relatives however very rarely in my profession. Hence I pray to God, not to take me through the gambit of emotions I was alluding to in the first paragraph. A while ago (10 years now) I stopped talking to myself and became speechless for a week, when I was accused of speechless verbal excesses (!) by my closest circle, which eventually turned me upside down, breaking quite a few strings within me and in the process , I assume made me a bitter, nicer and wiser soul!

By the way, we all may also agree that an easy old way of sustaining a relationship would be by actually by saying “sorry” in repeat, replay modes several times over the days whether intended or not. Or apologise for your actions, deeds or words and walk-in or away from the chaos, which may be the second most tested one.  Well, and if you think if you were the reason behind chaos, you being taken for a ride, being used, abused, exploited, neglected (I hate this word), you better be ready to defend your actions and proclaim your coolness and uncool meticulously. Still better armored amongst us can defeat you, torch you, torture you, roast you or take you for a coaster ride yet. I may eagerly rewind about relationships, which would invariably bring their business acumen knowingly or unknowingly into our private space conversations of any kind (applies to friends and relatives), which would increasingly sound like a share deal acquisition in a Middle East market over camel meat.

Educated and working amongst us are so canny and cunning; possibly we mongers amongst us,(like the psychiatrists profiling their friends) bring our expertise in people management, deliberately, for everyday’ s use at our relationships fiasco, mulling over the gambit of emotions I was trying to paint above; easily swayed by our pretentious, preconceived ideas; never willing to change language, food or cultural preferences; north or south; east or west;  black or brown; yellow or white; pressurised or nagged by our better halves;  upon our children’s play area friendships; too many WhatsApp groups and sub- specialty groups, based on from food fetish, sexual innuendos, religious activity and bigotry; language ; culture, music to pooping and peeing preferences; professional; secretive; suspicious etc. based on birthdays days, sickness, leaving do and leaving for ever, etc. etc.

Relationships started with good intentions with the broader horizon as backdrop picture also  end up constrained, sour, restricted, biased, boring for us few, and overwhelming for most of us during the course of time; burdened by  high or low expectations; smothered by personal and professional balance issues and our achievements, so called high maintenance issues, after few many days or years depending upon the impact on our mostly selfish lives; camouflaged by the, excesses; expectations; Complications; jealousy; Possessiveness; Arrogance; angst; vulnerability; Inadequacy; guilt; indulgences; disguise; intelligence; depression; sorrow; maniac; insensitive; choosy; calm; mature; needy; reactive; unfaithful; faithful; noisy; ownership; overwhelmed; pretentious; genuine; true; fake; pretentious; inferiority; superiority; callousness; careful; carelessness; opportunistic; confident; self-pity; calculative; immature; suspicious; cool; uncool; suave; nagging; twisty; selfish; selfless; racist; fanatic; religious; linguistic; naive; ignorant; innocence; gullible etc.

Idle mind is the devils workshop; however nowadays, some of us with very idle mind at WhatsApp workshops, pretending an ideal mind, well the devil is the social media itself; well I am a hypocrite as I rely on Face book as a comfort zone for myself. Mutual nagging is perennial problem amongst couples and too many in relationships amongst friends too...

One of my closest maternal uncles passed away few months ago. He was a head master by the time he retired from a Kanchi govt school; strict disciplinarian; stricter to details and money; was a  terror to all of us when we were young for various too many reasons; sadly caught up with Parkinson’s 20 years ago; fortunately survived all these years possibly with his sheer perseverance and  motivation ; was  instrumental in introducing me to Carnatic music, as he was a good Rasiga, also   with good sense of hidden humor until his demise; brilliant intellect,  not tendered, guided and  utilised properly, primarily  attributed to lack of exposures and ordinary beginning; and   has left a lot of legacy behind him. Possibly he had one of the best times of his life, when he visited us in 2005 in Manchester, UK. After a protracted month and half stay in a beleaguered Chennai private hospital, which was sadly inappropriate for this frail man, who wanted to spend last few days of his life comfortably at his home before taken for a ride; me being a Geriatrician for 17 years could do nothing, being hapless and helpless; well he breathed his last; and May His Soul Rest in Peace.

PS: Amma as the model not only for this Oil pastel on paper; albeit for few of us as role model for ever( to be or not to be)!